The Script

The Script was compiled from several sources by Mike Harding, the founder of the play, prior to its first performances in 1967. Mike’s script bears a strong similarity to that of the Bury play and other Lancashire scripts such as Furness. The major difference is the section where The Doctor ministers to St George, here Mike took a little poetic licence and embellished his part making it somewhat of a centrepiece. Dr Eddie Cass in his fine book ‘The Lancashire Page-Egg Play (ISBN0 903515 22 9) describes this section as ‘pure Harding’.
The script was formally re-written down in 1977 after the original was lost, but even this script continues to evolve – the script below is similar to that performed but still omits the scenes with Dobbin the Horse, who makes scaring children a speciality.

THE MIDDLETON PACE EGG PLAY – ALMOST THE SCRIPT

SLASHER

WE BEG YOUR PARDON FOR BEING SO BOLD
WE ENTER YOUR HOUSE ‘COS THE WEATHER’S SO COLD
ROOM, ROOM, BRAVE GALLANTS , GIVE US ROOM TO SPORT
FOR IN THIS HOUSE WE DO RESORT
RESORT, RESORT, FOR MANY A DAY
STEP IN THE KING OF ENGLAND
AND BOLDLY CLEAR THE WAY.

KING

I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND
WHO BOLDLY DOTH APPEAR
I COME TO SEEK MY ONLY SON
MY ONLY SON IS HERE.

ST GEORGE

I AM ST. GEORGE, A WORTHY KNIGHT
I’LL SPEND MY BLOOD FOR ENGLAND’S RIGHT
ENGLAND’S RIGHT I WILL MAINTAIN
I’LL FIGHT FOR OLD ENGLAND ONCE AGAIN

TURKISH CHAMPION

I AM THE TURKISH CHAMPION
FROM TURKEY’S LAND I COME
I COME TO FIGHT THE KING OF ENGLAND
AND ALL HIS NOBLE MEN

KING

I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND
AS YOU MAY PLAINLY SEE
AND THESE ARE ALL MY SOLDIERS
WHO STANDEN ALL BY ME
THEY STAND BY ME YOUR LIFE TO END
AND ON THEM DOTH MY OWN LIFE DEPEND

SLASHER

IN COMES CAPTAIN SLASHER
CAPTAIN SLASHER IS MY NAME
WITH SWORD AND PISTOL BY MY SIDE
I HOPE TO WIN THE GAME

(SLASHER AND THE TURKISH CHAMPION FIGHT – SLASHER IS WOUNDED AND CRAWLS AWAY)

ST GEORGE

I AM ST GEORGE, A CHAMPION BOLD
AND WITH MY SWORD I WON THREE CROWNS OF GOLD
I SLEW THE FIERY DRAGON, AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE SLAUGHTER
AND BY MY SWORD I WON THE KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER.

TURKISH CHAMPION

ST GEORGE! ST GEORGE!
AS I WAS GOING BY ST GEORGE’S SCHOOL
I HEARD A LADY CRY ‘A FOOL, A FOOL’
A FOOL, A FOOL WAS HER EVERY WORD
THE MAN’S A FOOL, HE FIGHTS WITH A WOODEN SWORD.

ST GEORGE

A WOODEN SWORD, THOU DIRTY DOG!
MY SWORD IS MADE OF THE BEST METAL FREE *ALL SHOUT – TREE!
AND IF YOU’D LIKE A TASTE OF IT
I’LL GIVE IT UNTO THEE

STAND OFF! STAND OFF! THOU DIRTY DOG
OR BY MY SWORD YOU’LL DIE
I’LL CUT YOU DOWN THE MIDDLE
AND MAKE YOUR BLOOD TO FLY
(ST GEORGE AND THE TURKISH CHAMPION FIGHT , ABUSING EACH OTHER, – ST GEORGE IS KILLED)

KING

OH! HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, WHAT HAST THOU DONE?
THOU HAST RUINED ME, RUINED ME
BY THE KILLING OF MY ONLY SON
OH IS THERE A NOBLE DOCTOR TO BE FOUND
TO CURE THIS ENGLISH CHAMPION
OF HIS DEEP AND DEADLY WOUND?

DOCTOR

OH YES, THERE IS A NOBLE DOCTOR TO BE FOUND
TO CURE THIS ENGLISH CHAMPION OF HIS DEEP AND DEADLY WOUND

KING

WHAT IS YOUR PRACTICE?

DOCTOR

I BOAST NOT OF MY PRACTICE
NEITHER DO I STUDY IN THE PRACTICE OF PHYSICK
I TORTURE NOT MY PATIENTS WITH EXCAVATIONS
SUCH AS PILLS, BOLUSES, SOLUTIONS AND EMBROCATIONS
I’VE BEEN TO ITALY, TITALLY, CECILY, THRECILY
AND UP MY LANDLADY’S VEST
MY WISDOM LIES IN MY WIG

KING

WHAT CAN YOU CURE?

DOCTOR

ALL KINDS OF DISEASES
WHATEVER YOU PLEASES
THE ITCH, PITCH *MITCH, FLITCH AND DITCH
THE OTCH, POTCH, MOTCH, FLOTCH AND DOTCH
THE PALSY AND THE GOUT
IF A DEVIL’S IN A MAN
I CAN FETCH THE BUGGER *NINETEEN OF THE BUGGERS OUT
*I’VE BEEN TO UPPER LEGOVER, LOWER BENDOVER
TINTWISTLE, CHOLMONDELEY AND SLAITHWAITE,
HALF WAY ROUND THE WORLD AND BACK AGAIN
I HAVE IN MY POCKET, CRUTCHES FOR LAME HEDGEHOPPERS
GLASSES FOR BLIND MICE ETC.

KING

WHAT IS YOUR FEE?

DOCTOR

TEN POUNDS, ‘TIS TRUE.

KING

PROCEED NOBLE DOCTOR, YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR DUE.
(THE DOCTOR ATTENDS TO GEORGE, WITH ALL THE ASSOCIATED RIGMAROLE)

DOCTOR

I HAVE IN MY POCKET A LITTLE BITTLE BOTTLE.
POUR IT DOWN YOUR THRITTLE THROTTLE
AND YOU WILL BE WUITE ALL RIGHT.

ARISE, ARISE, MOST NOBLE KNIGHT ARISE
AND NO MORE DORMANT LAY
AND WITH THAT SWORD THAT’S BY YOUR SIDE
MAKE ALL YOUR FOES OBEY.

ST GEORGE

MY HEAD IS MADE OF IRON
MY BODY’S MADE OF STEEL
MY LEGS ARE MADE OF CROOKED BONES
TO MAKE YOU ALL TO YIELD

(ST GEORGE AND THE TURKISH CHAMPION FIGHT)

(DURING THE FIGHT – ST GEORGE –
HAVE AT THEE YOU DIRTY DOG
I’LL PARE THEE WITH MY FIGHTING CLOG
AND WHEN MY BROADSWORD OUT DOES COME
I’LL SLICE SOME RASHERS OFF YOUR BUM

TURKISH CHAMPION

MIDDLETON BORN AND MIDDLETON BRED
THICK IN THE ARM AND THICK IN TH’HEAD

ST GEORGE

STAND OFF, STAND OFF YOU BALCK FACED DOG
OR BY MY SWORD YOU’LL DIE
I’LL CUT YOU DOWN THE MIDDLE
AND MAKE YOUR BUTTONS FLY

(THE TURKISH KNIGHT IS KILLED)

KITTY FAIR (THE FEMALE CLOWN)

IN COMES I, WHO’S NOT BEEN YET
WITH MY BIG HEAD AND LITTLE WIT
WITH MY HEAD SO BIG AND MY WIT SO SMALL
I’LL DO MY BEST TO PLEASE YOU ALL.

BEELZEBUB

IN COME I, OLD BEELZEBUB
OVER MY SHOULDER I CARRY A CLUB
IN MY HAND I CARRY A PAN
PLEASED TO COLLECT ALL THE MONEY I CAN

DERRY DOUBT

IN COMES I LITTLE DERRY DOUBT
WITH MY BRUSH I’LL SWEEP YOU ALL OUT
IT’S MONEY I WANT AND MONEY I CRAVE
IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME MONEY I’LL SWEEP YOU ALL TO THE GRAVE

THE END

ad libs accepted, nay even encouraged

Over the years many of the ad libs that have been ‘encouraged’ have come to form an integral part of the text. Many of these are thrown in by the characters themselves but there are also many examples of audience participation which have become almost akin to a ‘chorus’

The Songs